Life, She's so heavy...

Hello all,
This is my first blog on blogspot and its' a heavy one.
[soon i will do a proper intro of self and perhaps it won't be so heavy on my viewers]
Perhaps talking to me you may have noticed a slight difference or change, whatever you feel it is or whatever you have seen it is most likely correct because you know me some, or at least my character/tendencies.
Well below is an update of life since December/January.

I must feel pretty comfortable writing this knowing many will read and perceive me anew. Nonetheless this feels best to me, so here we go.


tokyo -Many of you know that i am going to Tokyo come may 28th and i will be there until August 4th and then i will return home. I am looking forward to going and meeting people but i am not so sure that i am as excited as most would be. Yes i have a great opportunity that is rare (at least for me), but i am not all that excited, once im there it'll be life as usual but in another country with other people and for the purpose of ministry-ultimately. I don't feel strange anymore of not being so excited, knowing you're going like 3-4months in advance the excitement wears of and reality sets in; as we speak i am 9 days away from departure.

-life-

life right now is in the pot of mixture and decision making. I don't know what's next, i don't know how i feel about many things that i have been raised and cultured to think(college=essential;go

for 4yrs and be out,tattoos, mary j.etc). Life is a real toss-up and personally who says i have to have life planned out at 19, who says i have to know what i want to do, that i have to be careful about decisions because i can't afford to make mistakes, that is a bunch of HODGE-PODGE! some decisions are life-changing, and some are not and they aren't all made before you have a wife, and family, let alone before you are 19. Its too much to think on so therefore i have been thinking less, and less about them and just living life..letting it come as it may, taking it one day at a time. Life's goal is not "The one" or "marriage or even kids" these are just perks to life...

relationships-
i have definitely learned a lot about myself and the way i approach dating relationships. First off its takes me a long time to open up , and be fully honest. I guess somewhere around H.S. i closed up and it became harder for me to open up.. i may feel comfortable but that doesn't necessarily mean i will open up totally for/to someone. i regret not being as honest but all in all i have learned a lot about myself and tendencies. i see i have one aspect of a relationship down( the to do) but one of the most important(the how to) has much work to be done.

-new life direction-

I have been thinking about school and contemplating if i am in school for what i ultimately want to do... and the answer is no! President would be cool, government would be cool. Radio is fun, TV broadcasting? fun, but a lot of work.All these things would be temporary jobs for me, giving me mucho stress and ultimately a bad attitude, why? because i would know deep down "THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANT TO REALLY BE DOING!" So then what will i be doing...some know and some don't and i want to keep it that way until i arrive back in the U.S. and things are official, and i have started my process of pursuit.

-school-

i have decided on a university, but that is not what is important. What is important is how i feel about school .I have always felt that for me personally school has never mattered unless you want to go to college and from there get a job, and/or pursue higher education (PhD,Masters,Law,etc). I don't plan to pursue a masters right now, and i am even more shaky about a bachelors. Its not that i don't like school but i don't see its importance with where i feel my career is headed. I may still finish b/c i would like a degree but it may not be in the next 3 years..depending on my career choice, it may be prolonged until i want to finish.As of now i'll be taking the minimum 12 credits come fall 08 anyway... It is really unfair how we are graded on how comprehension and life practicality is judged by a multiple choice test and letter grades. I feel that taking between 12-14 credits a semester i can learn at my own pace which is best for me.

-me changing, you watching-

well as i grow up some of you have been around for years, others months, i wouldn't be surprised if my life was being taped and broadcasted (yeah like Truman). A lot is happening right now ;my opinions on life, policies, tradition, and my spiritual beliefs etc. are changing. So as i grow up watch and hopefully you can learn something from my life.

-religion-

the preface:Ii know Christian's say "this is not RELIGION it is A RELATIONSHIP", Well on surveys' and standard tests you bubble Christian under the Religion column, so that's what it will be for right now.lol
my heart:I am in a heavy state right now. Im not sure how i feel about Christianity, i know for sure that i do not like what it has become amongst all age groups, especially the background that i come from, which has fueled some of the way i feel now. However i am not shifting blame but informing you.
so you ask out of concern and curiousity:
do i believe in God still? yes. but to follow this up i must say im not sure how i feel about the idea of God as it relates to life. I could care less about going through such a phase in life(if it is that) but more importantly im not sure i see the importance in God. Yeah He is God, and He is alive (but excuse me), so what! what i do with that information. This may come as a hella shock for those who know me, but it is how i feel. Like man, seriously...So what about God, about heaven and about hell, about reading the bible, and about going to church. I can't watch christian programming without becoming angry b/c the majority of it is garbage. man-centerd sermons on getting rich, and getting blessings- is that really what Christ preached, is that really what God wants...how foolish if you think he cares about you haveing a frikin lexus,or rolls royce. If you;re rich its because of Him and if you're poor its becaue of Him everyone is not meant to be rich, and that's apparent in the ghettos of every place on earth. So creflo dollar, paula white,td jakes,leroy thompson, all of TBN and the kooks who go on there,Fred price,Micheal Freeman, Keith Butler,Rod Parsely.. all Associated with The Word of Faith Movement quit lying, you are destroying lives. If you want honest preaching, that is biblical listen and learn from John MacArthur,RC Sproul,Dr.Leon Morris,John Piper,Shai Linne,Timothy Brindle, Evangel,Lampmode Recordings.

However for me i will remain in the mist floating amongst the water. I don't know what i believe and honestly i don't care, right now.

well, that about does it! this session was brought to you by Lupin Black.

:.Peace and True Love::.